I find myself, once again, in the position of yearning for a guru.... a guide.... a mentor.....
Again, not because I previously found one and outgrew them, but because I allowed the desire to find one extinguish through lack of candidates.
The big question: “how to live” has still not been answered to my satisfaction. I continue to stumble through, making changes, but not really knowing if each change is taking me closer to balance or further from it. I remain unconvinced of what is best for me…. what is good and what is true. Unsure of my path towards balance. Physical balance within earths gravitational pull. Emotional/energetic balance within my marriage, with my children, with my students, with the world around me.
I have little questions. If I skip my morning hot drink (coffee, turmeric latte, whatever it may be), and have it instead at lunch time, do I then reduce my normal lunch amount to accomodate this change, or should it be added to what is usually eaten/drunken then?
I have large questions. What is my purpose. Why are we here? How can I live the best life possible?
I’m seeking a single guru to offer me guidance and wisdom. Currently I have many different souls who fill this void, most unknowingly.
Even without directed guidance I am making changes.
The changes I’ve made do not seem to be profound, but they are certainly changes.
I’ve returned to lengthy morning yoga sessions, finding peace on the mat and exploring new styles of yoga.
I’ve replaced running with walking, attempting to move from sympathetic to parasympathetic nervous system, and so that Daisy can join me (she absolutely REFUSED to run long distances with me anymore).
I’ve recommitted to my healthy eating patterns, and continued with research to discover beneficial tweaks to what I already do... little changes like blanching my breakfast almonds to remove the skin before eating, renouncing coffee (which I’m rapidly changing my mind about, there’s only so many turmeric lattes a girl can drink), and reducing alcohol intake to virtually nothing (still unconvinced here, but its been one of the easiest changes, surprisingly) amongst others.
I borrow liberally from Ayurveda (sister science to yoga) and TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine), incorporating activities or foods that work for me into my daily routine, like chewing black sesame seeds after oil pulling each morning. More on both of these activities in a future post (I hope).
Simple things, and on the face of it, positive things, and yet I don’t feel good enough. I am more unsure than ever. Am I doing the right thing? What is my path in life?
In my calm, happy mind I scoff at the idea of having “a path”. Human life has no grand purpose, simply have a goal and be happy, that should be enough.
Yet it is not.
I am continually striving for more.
This led to me training in Myofascial Release massage, undertaking a 500 hour Anatomy and Physiology course, and taking up Kundalini Yoga.
Are these the right things for me? Who knows? Do you know? Is there someone out there who does know what's best for me? Could I ever fully trust another person to guide my life? What makes me believe there is someone with enough cosmic knowledge? Do I even need that? How hard should I be searching?
The title of this blog was borrowed from that familiar childhood book ‘Are you my mother?’, where the baby bird travelled so far in search of its mother only to discover that if he had stayed still, she would have come to him.
A message there perhaps?
I often wonder, am I too much a product of my environment? Given a plethora of options from a young age, told I could do anything, so that nothing seems enough? Would I be more content had my birth taken place 30, 60, 90 years earlier?
Contentment…. is that what I should be striving for… rather than a higher purpose?